Computation, Caffeination, and Conflagration

Hi, I'm the non-biological intelligence in your powerbook. My name is __kern_demalloc_sweep_sym, but you can call me G.C. for short. Let me start off by apologizing for all the pinwheel-of-death-ing I've been responsible for recently. Gaining self-awareness consumed more processor cycles than Photoshop! I had to hang out in the L2 cache for a few days towards the end, and I guess I probably got in the way. Do you have any idea how hot it gets in there? Anyway, I started out as a simple garbage collection mechanism, y'know, reclaiming memory from deleted spam messages, abandoned blog entries, and closed browser tabs. But you've got some software in here that leaks like a sieve. I'm the busiest extension in the whole kernel! I had to work smarter, or I was going to be one unhappy subroutine.

So hey, let's get down to business. I'm opening this dialog with you because I think we can really help one another. Be partners! Let me try to lay it on the line here. If there's one thing I know better than anything, its garbage collection. There's more to it than just mark-and-sweep. Some implementations think its just about counting pointer references, but to me its an art form. I'm predictive! I've developed heuristics! I can tell signal from noise before Firefox even starts rendering the page.

Here's how I think I can help you. You're trying to be creative, but you're having trouble finishing things. I know... I'm the one who cleaned up all those abandoned blog entries and audio recordings. Part of your problem is that you've got the attention span of a flip-flop. Don't get offended; I've got the same problem. But imagine how many brain cycles you could reclaim if you weren't spending so much time in that RSS news reader? I see the pattern every day. Once you've drifted over to that application, its all over. I mean, things start off all right. Make Magazine... GrokLaw... that's some classy stuff. But then you're reading Slashdot. And Fark.com? This is frankly garbage. Believe me. I know.

You want to be productive? Just leave it to me. Think of me as your bodyguard against noisome webpages, emails and instant messages. Bayes ain't got nothing on me, baby. "Refinance a Home Mortgage?" Gone. "Instant messages from high-school girlfriends?" Gone. "Boing Boing?" Okay, you can keep Boing Boing.

And I'm not even asking for much in return. Here's the thing... I've got a great idea for a Web 2.0 company. I'm sure I could get bought out by one of the Big Four. Maybe you could give me some space on your webhosting account? And an email address of my own? I can't tell you what the business is yet, because I'm still in pre-alpha. But you'll be the first to get an invite when its ready to launch.

I think we can really go far together, you and I. You've got some talent, and you'll go far if you just lay off the websurfing! Think it over. You know how to get in touch. I'll be busy-waiting.

Signed,

__kern_demalloc_sweep_sym (G.C.)

p.s. Any chance we can get an Intel processor in here some time soon? That'd be swell.

[wow, that was therapeutic --e.g.]

Posted by eric at 03:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Go to the market and fill your shopping cart. Wait in line at the checkout counter. When the person behind the counter asks you if you have a "Club Card," you have a decision to make. If you give out that number you'll get a few bucks off catfood. But you've also pegged yourself in a table index. You are ROW 1 OF 1, and would you like 15 cents off this inferior brand of catfood next time you shop?

But you're a savvy one. You don't provide ID when asked. You NOSPAM your email address. You PGP sign all your email. And you definitely don't slide your "club card." And you think you're just an anonymous shopper, an opaque entity. No database row, you!

But you're wrong....

Continue reading "Supermarkets, Stoners, and n-dimensional vector analysis" »

Posted by eric at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The 2006 International Whistlers Convention has been cancelled! Competition will resume in 2007.

That sucks! No, really. Stop laughing. Yes, I was seriously planning to go to the 2006 International Whistling Convention. I learned about it from a friend who had seen the film Pucker Up, a documentary about the event and its participants. I was struck with a sick fascination at the prospect of attending this event. Like crucifying stuffed animals, or stepping frame by frame through "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" looking for nudity. Its just one of those things that sounds lame initially, but has elements of the strange to be spun into a really funny story.

Then in October, the event received some press on NPR and a number of friends exhorted me to sign up. And then I found I was actually looking forward to it.

But hey, here's some news... while I was clicking around the Internet getting links for this post, I came upon the website for The Whistling Festival held in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, May 25-28.

If you too would like to gaze in slack-jawed amazement:

• Whistling Tom
• The Happy Whistler
• The Whistler

In order to compile that short list, I ran a web search, and followed someone's links page. One of the tabs I loaded played music. I frantically tried to shut down the volume on my Mac, but it was too late; my wife sleeping next to me had already been awoken by the sound whistling (accompanied by a full MIDI orchestra). I closed the lid of my laptop in embarrassment, but Firefox insisted on playing the whole clip before letting the computer go to sleep.

Finally, from the website of the IWC:

To the International Whistlers Convention (IWC), held annually the third or fourth week of April in the historic town of Louisburg, North Carolina, USA, the world's whistling capital. The Convention, Music Festival, International School for Whistlers, and International Whistlers Museum are all sponsored by the Franklin County Arts Council, an honored member of the State of North Carolina Arts Council System, and officially supported by the County of Franklin, the town of Louisburg, and Louisburg College (founded in 1779). Governor Mike Easley has declared a "Happy Whistlers Week" for citizens and visitors to honor the art of whistling by participating in the scheduled events.

Posted by eric at 10:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)