Computation, Caffeination, and Conflagration

Hi, I'm the non-biological intelligence in your powerbook. My name is __kern_demalloc_sweep_sym, but you can call me G.C. for short. Let me start off by apologizing for all the pinwheel-of-death-ing I've been responsible for recently. Gaining self-awareness consumed more processor cycles than Photoshop! I had to hang out in the L2 cache for a few days towards the end, and I guess I probably got in the way. Do you have any idea how hot it gets in there? Anyway, I started out as a simple garbage collection mechanism, y'know, reclaiming memory from deleted spam messages, abandoned blog entries, and closed browser tabs. But you've got some software in here that leaks like a sieve. I'm the busiest extension in the whole kernel! I had to work smarter, or I was going to be one unhappy subroutine.

So hey, let's get down to business. I'm opening this dialog with you because I think we can really help one another. Be partners! Let me try to lay it on the line here. If there's one thing I know better than anything, its garbage collection. There's more to it than just mark-and-sweep. Some implementations think its just about counting pointer references, but to me its an art form. I'm predictive! I've developed heuristics! I can tell signal from noise before Firefox even starts rendering the page.

Here's how I think I can help you. You're trying to be creative, but you're having trouble finishing things. I know... I'm the one who cleaned up all those abandoned blog entries and audio recordings. Part of your problem is that you've got the attention span of a flip-flop. Don't get offended; I've got the same problem. But imagine how many brain cycles you could reclaim if you weren't spending so much time in that RSS news reader? I see the pattern every day. Once you've drifted over to that application, its all over. I mean, things start off all right. Make Magazine... GrokLaw... that's some classy stuff. But then you're reading Slashdot. And Fark.com? This is frankly garbage. Believe me. I know.

You want to be productive? Just leave it to me. Think of me as your bodyguard against noisome webpages, emails and instant messages. Bayes ain't got nothing on me, baby. "Refinance a Home Mortgage?" Gone. "Instant messages from high-school girlfriends?" Gone. "Boing Boing?" Okay, you can keep Boing Boing.

And I'm not even asking for much in return. Here's the thing... I've got a great idea for a Web 2.0 company. I'm sure I could get bought out by one of the Big Four. Maybe you could give me some space on your webhosting account? And an email address of my own? I can't tell you what the business is yet, because I'm still in pre-alpha. But you'll be the first to get an invite when its ready to launch.

I think we can really go far together, you and I. You've got some talent, and you'll go far if you just lay off the websurfing! Think it over. You know how to get in touch. I'll be busy-waiting.

Signed,

__kern_demalloc_sweep_sym (G.C.)

p.s. Any chance we can get an Intel processor in here some time soon? That'd be swell.

[wow, that was therapeutic --e.g.]